My Internal Breathlessness

I choke.
Internally I mean but nonetheless I choke.
Why can't I breath?
I ask those with their hand around my throat,
And yet they choke me.
I want to leave but strong is the hold of the hand that chokes me.
Sometimes I come out for air,
But that leaves me with nothing but fear,
I scamper back to the hand for it to hold me.
The hold is a choke but a choke is a hold and hold is all I really need.

NUDES!

Sooo...I just want to start by apologising because this is not...technically about nudes.

Okay for those who are still here, firstly thank you, you make the world a better place.

This is more of a metaphorical nude, this is me being naked, butt naked. Honesty is what you will be receiving...see that? I'm stalling, that's what I do. I NEVER WANT TO TALK ABOUT FEELINGS. So I dance around it, I make jokes about myself, about others; I will do almost anything to not have to be weak and vulnerable around other people.

Like this can only be written, these words can not escape my lips, they quiver at the thought of it. My heart palpitates at the mere idea of bearing myself but no one knows this, you know why? because I have amazing people skills. I know how people think, feel I guess you could say that my empathy skills are on FLEEK (I sincerely apologise for using that word, like I said I am very uncomfortable right now so it is imperative that I make jokes).

Anyway! I guess what I do very well is listen to other people, it's funny because once you show a bit of genuine interest at someone else's story they get very excited, you see in their eyes because nowadays no one wants to listen to other people, everyone just wants to talk! And when they find someone who will listen, well they just might go on forever. I'm just that one weirdo who loves to listen because it means I don't have to talk about anything serious about myself. Because everyone is the main character of their own story and that's what a lot of people fail to acknowledge. Your problems are bigger than everyone else's problems because they are the only problems you know about and as far as you know, you are the only one who knows the feeling of this problem.

I spend a lot of time (probably a bit over what the average, healthy individual should, by a bit, I mean a lot) thinking about other people's stories, why they do what they do, what events in their lives caused them to make each decision they make and this makes people think that I am very emotionally open because I understand them. So if you think about it, people never take a step out of themselves, they always think of me, everything else and everyone else in relation to themselves so at the end of the day they still know nothing about me. 

So I guess I never share my problems because people don't care and why should they? They've got their own plot twists to attend to.

My type of love

Call me naive, I  know you will but I'll say it anyway.

 I believe in love. Yes, the kind in the movies and even more than that. I believe in an extravagant, flamboyant, infinite, be-spelling type of love. Don't get me wrong, it will at times bring you pain but you'll welcome it if it means you get to experience the rest. I think a lot of people miss out on this experience because they fail the simple yet challenging task of waiting. You settle because now, we are told that there is no such thing as "The Perfect Guy", you are being too picky, "Mr Right" is never coming along. So, naturally you go with the next Mike, Jake or Brian that comes your way and see that he's not so bad and simply roll with it. But why???
Sure we get lonely or sad watching our friends find their partners, we see couples littered everywhere on social networks and in schools and ever so often a holiday comes around that robs it in your face that you're still as single as single gets. The easy option is to settle, the better option is to keep going and never reduce your standards.
Don't get me wrong we all have different definitions of love, to you love might be someone who gets you chocolate bar daily without fail. My point is that whatever your standard is, stick to it. This is bound to reduce tears and heartbreak by approximately 98.7%  (roughly- not a mathematician).

 I have always loved these two quotes:

-Abi

The endless stream of Saturdays begin

Finishing college means that the concept of weekends and weekdays become blurred and fluid. I can basically do what I want when I want...with the permission of my mother of course. But really I can wake up at 5 pm and sleep at 5 am. I can take ridiculously long naps that further diminishes my sleeping pattern and it wouldn't matter. I have no responsibilities, no dead line, no exams. The next three months of holiday, I am probably going to forget what day it is, what time it is and maybe even what month (it actually happened last year).
My fear is that this long break is not like last years. I actually don't remember much from last year...and no not because it was just that good. It's more like I did nothing significant. Sure I made plans but seldom followed them through. Soon enough I just gave up and found comfort in my room on my laptop or in a book. The ice cream van would come and go, I'd read tweets, look at pictures, watch videos of people having a blast and sadly I was content with that.
I am determine to make a change this year. The change is already happening first of all because I want a change, I'm bored of being tired and tired of being bored. I've made a basic list of things that will happen this summer. I will go to Brighton, I will hang out with some old friend, I will make new friends, I will exercise and I will ride my penny board. Most importantly I will say yes when I am asked to go somewhere. No excuses.
I have worked very hard, I think the hardest I have ever worked in my life on my studies this year and I really need to let loose. Enjoy myself before I get sucked into education again. I want to have something to talk about when someone asks me about my summer, this summer I refuse to say "nothing really, how about you".
what are you going to say when someone asks you? let me know, I'd love to hear it.

- A

Hardest thing about being a Christian...

It's probably not what you're expecting;

But one of the most difficult things that I've had to come to terms with as a Christian is the overwhelming love that God has for me. I don't know how many people will be able to relate with this issue because I now realise that this love was hard for me to accept for two reasons, the main one being my insecurities.

 The thought of someone loving me so much that they sent their only son to die for me was irrational. Who loves me so much that they always forgive me no matter how bad I mess up, who loves me so much that He gives me the grace to wake up each and everyday, who lets me live a life out of poverty and pain.

But soon this love became undeniable as He, the Most High continued to prove his love towards me, how flattering is that? to have God, the King of kings trying to prove something to me? I'd be a fool if I still don't realise by now, but thank God because I do and because of that my soul is saved.

-And there will come a time when love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears.

Amen.

Love Always
-A

Pros and cons of being strong and independent...

You're probably thinking cons? Err nahh-uhhh honey it's just me, all day, by my self etc. (Kevin Hart reference)
Anyway, I'm going to start with the pros because there actually is not much. Firstly you get used to getting things done without the help of others which is a very helpful skill to have because we've all been disappointed and let's face it we've all done some disappointing ourselves.
Secondly you feel more fulfilled by that feeling of having done something single-handedly giving you full bragging right as the credit is undiluted and solely is yours alone.
The third one I can think of is that you don't have that moment of vulnerability when you have to ask someone whether or not they are willing to help you because everyone hates that moment of anticipation where they are left wondering what options they have left when they receive that degrading no. Guys probably get it more than girls because us girls know how to get what we want.
But with ever pro comes a con.
A lot of the time when people develop this independent mentality, they begin to forget those around them. We start to think "well I did it all by myself so I suggest you learn to do the same" but you just don't realise that you were fortunate enough to be capable of completing something alone. Make no mistake, there will be that one task where you will absolutely have no choice but to ask for help, well either that or just abandon the task and I know some people are stubborn enough to chose the latter option; you will need people, that is a fact and it might just be someone you had a choice to help on your way up.
You also need to do all you can to prevent your bragging right from distorting into arrogance. It discredits your work because you already think you did something amazing when I can assure you there is someone who can and has done better. No one likes a show-off.
There's nothing wrong with being humble and don't fake it either, don't be that beautiful girl calling her self ugly - WTF is everyone else then?
Thirdly you need to remember that you don't necessarily have to work like a machine, but you absolutely have to work smart. So why not share you work load? Remember time is money and money makes the world go round.

Love always.
-A

Maybe I fell out of love with love stories...

So aren't you suppose to look at me like I'm the only girl in the world?
I'm pretty sure you're meant to be able to spot me in a crowded place
Do whatever you can, however crazy to make sure I'm yours
Abandon sleep to talk to me at night
Tell me sweet things just too see me smile
Buy me gifts for no reason at all
Think of me, dream of me and tell me all about it
You're meant to crave my touch and the taste of my lips
As you hold me so tight that I could barely breath
Just to feel the pounding of my heart from deep within
or is this just what we are told and shown until we're grown?