NUDES!

Sooo...I just want to start by apologising because this is not...technically about nudes.

Okay for those who are still here, firstly thank you, you make the world a better place.

This is more of a metaphorical nude, this is me being naked, butt naked. Honesty is what you will be receiving...see that? I'm stalling, that's what I do. I NEVER WANT TO TALK ABOUT FEELINGS. So I dance around it, I make jokes about myself, about others; I will do almost anything to not have to be weak and vulnerable around other people.

Like this can only be written, these words can not escape my lips, they quiver at the thought of it. My heart palpitates at the mere idea of bearing myself but no one knows this, you know why? because I have amazing people skills. I know how people think, feel I guess you could say that my empathy skills are on FLEEK (I sincerely apologise for using that word, like I said I am very uncomfortable right now so it is imperative that I make jokes).

Anyway! I guess what I do very well is listen to other people, it's funny because once you show a bit of genuine interest at someone else's story they get very excited, you see in their eyes because nowadays no one wants to listen to other people, everyone just wants to talk! And when they find someone who will listen, well they just might go on forever. I'm just that one weirdo who loves to listen because it means I don't have to talk about anything serious about myself. Because everyone is the main character of their own story and that's what a lot of people fail to acknowledge. Your problems are bigger than everyone else's problems because they are the only problems you know about and as far as you know, you are the only one who knows the feeling of this problem.

I spend a lot of time (probably a bit over what the average, healthy individual should, by a bit, I mean a lot) thinking about other people's stories, why they do what they do, what events in their lives caused them to make each decision they make and this makes people think that I am very emotionally open because I understand them. So if you think about it, people never take a step out of themselves, they always think of me, everything else and everyone else in relation to themselves so at the end of the day they still know nothing about me. 

So I guess I never share my problems because people don't care and why should they? They've got their own plot twists to attend to.

Pros and cons of being strong and independent...

You're probably thinking cons? Err nahh-uhhh honey it's just me, all day, by my self etc. (Kevin Hart reference)
Anyway, I'm going to start with the pros because there actually is not much. Firstly you get used to getting things done without the help of others which is a very helpful skill to have because we've all been disappointed and let's face it we've all done some disappointing ourselves.
Secondly you feel more fulfilled by that feeling of having done something single-handedly giving you full bragging right as the credit is undiluted and solely is yours alone.
The third one I can think of is that you don't have that moment of vulnerability when you have to ask someone whether or not they are willing to help you because everyone hates that moment of anticipation where they are left wondering what options they have left when they receive that degrading no. Guys probably get it more than girls because us girls know how to get what we want.
But with ever pro comes a con.
A lot of the time when people develop this independent mentality, they begin to forget those around them. We start to think "well I did it all by myself so I suggest you learn to do the same" but you just don't realise that you were fortunate enough to be capable of completing something alone. Make no mistake, there will be that one task where you will absolutely have no choice but to ask for help, well either that or just abandon the task and I know some people are stubborn enough to chose the latter option; you will need people, that is a fact and it might just be someone you had a choice to help on your way up.
You also need to do all you can to prevent your bragging right from distorting into arrogance. It discredits your work because you already think you did something amazing when I can assure you there is someone who can and has done better. No one likes a show-off.
There's nothing wrong with being humble and don't fake it either, don't be that beautiful girl calling her self ugly - WTF is everyone else then?
Thirdly you need to remember that you don't necessarily have to work like a machine, but you absolutely have to work smart. So why not share you work load? Remember time is money and money makes the world go round.

Love always.
-A

Maybe I fell out of love with love stories...

So aren't you suppose to look at me like I'm the only girl in the world?
I'm pretty sure you're meant to be able to spot me in a crowded place
Do whatever you can, however crazy to make sure I'm yours
Abandon sleep to talk to me at night
Tell me sweet things just too see me smile
Buy me gifts for no reason at all
Think of me, dream of me and tell me all about it
You're meant to crave my touch and the taste of my lips
As you hold me so tight that I could barely breath
Just to feel the pounding of my heart from deep within
or is this just what we are told and shown until we're grown?

The dangers of high expectations...

Today, I turned 18 and now I'm pessimistic about optimism. 

I have been looking forward to this day for a very long time, as soon as I turned 16 to be precise. So naturally I had placed this age, this big one eight as they say on a pedestal. I envisioned it to be epic, I also imagined that I would feel different too; Instead what I actually felt was a big disappointment, I also felt very unfulfilled. As soon as I woke up, I reflected on my 18 years of existence and realised that that's all I really did. I just existed. So far I have failed to actually live and that scared me a bit so I swiftly pushed that thought away and vowed to myself to enjoy the day.

Enjoying the day however, proved to be far more difficult than I had anticipated. 

There was this awkward period where I sat in the canteen alone, which is daunting enough on a normal day but on my birthday it was such a dreadful feeling and to make matters worse, I had a gift bag so people knew it was my birthday. I wanted to shrink into a microscopic size so that I would be invisible to the naked eye but unfortunately turning 18 didn't come with magical powers. To avoid making eye contact with anyone, I did what anyone in my situation would do: pretend to be texting. Luckily a friend of mine turned up and I didn't feel so abandoned.

The misery continued at home, my mother tried so hard to be nice to me but she just couldn't help herself, it was so apparent  how difficult it was for her to make this one day out of 365 feel special for me and in the end I think she just gave up trying. 

To be honest today wasn't especially bad, it was just like any other day which would have been fine if this was just any other day. You see to every one else it was but to me, it is my anniversary of life and I had high expectations for it and that was where I went wrong.

What does it mean to be a woman?

I feel like females nowadays have lost the power that comes with being a woman. We've become so lost in societies ideals of being "that woman" that we end up losing what makes us confident in being our own woman.

We seem to have forgotten that it isn't all about our sex appeal, but about the confidence we have in ourselves, the drive we possess and that fiery passion only a woman can show. Forget thinking like a man, think like yourself because that's the only way you can truly be you, the only way you will ever make it through.
I agree with Margaret Atwood who says that "men and women are different but equal" because no one will be better at being a woman than a woman and like wise for men. I believe that men hold this obvious authority physically, sometimes undeniable but with a woman it radiates from her core, we don't have to shout from roof tops or come up with sayings like "grow some balls"; when a woman can go through labour and bear another human being after going through an unimaginable amounts of pain - that's power. when a woman can go through numerous amounts of heartbreak, crying herself to sleep every night and is able to rise up each morning - that's power. Or even when a woman is raped and is still able to see the good in man - that's power.
What we must do is forget the images in magazines or on billboards, forget all the stereotypes and discard what the media says and just embrace your God given femininity, embrace every curve on you body, cherish the skin you were born in and see your beauty because believe me it's there, both inside and outside. Find your strength wherever it may be and be the woman you were born to be.

As if I wasn't damaged enough

If bad was what I felt, congratulations!
I now feel worse.
If bruised was what I was, congratulations!
Now I'm bleeding.
If scared was what I was, congratulations!
I am now petrified.
If ever I felt unwanted, congratulations!
Because now I know that I am.

The other side of London...

Being the spontaneous character that I am, I decided to go to Chelsea to an art fair, the art was beautiful, don't get me wrong but that's not what I'm here to talk about. Some of it was just simply mind-blowing but I noticed something else - I noticed how the other side lives.

So my friend and I got the tube from barking station all the way to Sloane Square and we got to observe the transition of a train filled with diversity and mainly the working class to one filled with suits and white faces. They come in, sit down, cross their legs and pick up their oversized broadsheets making them faceless. If it's not a broadsheet then it's a kindle or some sort of smart phone.
As soon as we were spat out of the train, we joined a tidal wave of bodies moving at approximately 25 miles per hour, we swiftly adjusted our speed to avoid being physically trampled on by leather shoes and Lois Vuitton heels. Alas! We spot a bus stop and go to it for shelter while we patiently wait for a bus that would take us to the town hall where the exhibition is being held. as we waited, we watched Bentleys, Jaguars and Ranges cruise the streets and it was an eye opener indeed.
We were both sociology students so we were naturally very observant and somewhat critical of society by the things we read in text books, listened to on the news, never have I thought it was actually so apparent, the streets were cleaner, they even had different buses from the rest of London, even though we all have to pay the same amount of money, the building were taller and easy on the eyes, shop windows cleaner, I could go on however it wasn't all negative, we over heard school children having intelligent conversations about politics and things that really matter, not Grand Theft Auto and the latest Fifa. Conversely we also witnessed extreme materialism displayed by girls who were barely 10 who claimed she "loved Mac" as she ran towards it and referred to Lush as her "home".
The ideology that every one is equal and that we all have the same opportunities when this really isn't the case, there is this huge gap of wealth in London alone with the extremely rich in the luxurious side and sadly, on the other side of the division is the extremely poor in the dirty, dull environment being unaware of this injustice against them.
We were treated differently too, only two of the artists made an effort to speak to us about their work and inspirations and they were lovely people I could have intelligent conversations with so I can't complain, I actually gained more than I could have hoped for.

This was one of my favourite pieces, it's a photograph of a place in Canada which is now gone. my camera quality does it no justice.

This was painted...yes painted by a man who lived with these wolves! 

Johnny Depp, need  I say more, it's beaut.

An amazing clock/man structure, oh! and it lights up too.

He's too...nice. (The "Bad Boy" syndrome)

And the award for the best side smirk in the year infinity goes to Ian Somerhalder

As much as you ladies would like to deny it, you like a "bad boy".

 It's factual. You like a challenge, a bit of a project to work on, you want to spend your time taming this wild beast so you can finally bring him home to Mummy and Daddy. What you don't realise is you are not an expert animal trainer and you will get scarred in the process, your thirst for a bad boy that will only be good for you can lead to tears when you discover that you can not change a guy. Don't get me wrong a guy can change for you but 99.9% of the time, he came to this realisation by himself, something has finally clicked into place for him and what you already knew, he's only just realising.

Now it is perfectly okay to want this tough, strong, borderline dangerous bad boy who for some reason has a weakness for you however, what make the nice, sweet, admirable good guy so undesirable? I mean in movies we're all for the good guy who pays the girl a lot of attention, remembers her birthday and buys her things to win the girl, he deserves her but when the "player" who's been flirting with every girl within a 5 mile radius all of a sudden pays her the slightest attention and rewards her with that sexy side smirk we all sway like daffodils in the wind - the only difference is the movie needs a satisfying ending so they can make good in the box office, so they allow you to assume that they lived happily ever after only arguing about who loves who more.

 Unfortunately folks, this isn't the way life works, in the real world the "player" will most probably cheat when he realises that he's still got his whole life ahead of him and all you want to do is change him, the good guy would turn cold on you when you come running back to where you placed him in the friend zone, he is now either going to be a prick or find some other girl who's been hurt before and welcomes his sweet kind heart.

(movies and series that predispose you to the "bad boy" syndrome: The Vampire Diaries, The Breakfast Club, 10 Things I hate About You, 90210, Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights)

Ps. I'd still recommend those because they're great!

Moving on...

Every single person will have to learn to move on at some point in their life, whether it be from the first house you had all your first memories in, your first school, your favourite pair of shoes that refuses to be worn any longer, it all requires a process of moving on to allow progression.

Even worse is moving on from a traumatic experience, one that happens and you just know you are never going to be the same afterwards. This could be loosing someone you love, not necessarily to death but just knowing they are no longer yours any more. When the love you provide stops being returned, it leaves you hollow, you are missing your daily dose of love that you so depend upon, you start to withdraw and that's when recovery has to begin. You must remember that you don't always get to gradually reduce the dosage, it just leave you dry. Cold turkey. It's like the ground under your feet has suddenly vanished or the air inside you lungs have just disappeared and moving on would be like attempting to fly or breath in space.

So if it feels like this loosing someone how do some people get over it? Personally I think it requires a mild form of amnesia. However, they must instigate this by wiping away all the physical things that could trigger a memory of this person, store it up if you must but you must get it out of your site. Delete them off social networking sites, do not try to be friends. Not yet. Just do whatever in your power to recover take it a day at a time. Then you begin to forget; first it's the eye colour...was it...blue? Then the hair which might have been brown but what shade? and when you are ready you start to notice other people and how good they make you feel and you know that this time you'll do things differently, you're stronger now.