As if I wasn't damaged enough

If bad was what I felt, congratulations!
I now feel worse.
If bruised was what I was, congratulations!
Now I'm bleeding.
If scared was what I was, congratulations!
I am now petrified.
If ever I felt unwanted, congratulations!
Because now I know that I am.

The rebound's rebound

There are two things you should never ever play with: feelings and food.

This week I found myself toying recklessly with both. I had this distorted thought that it might bring me satisfaction to do things out of my nature in hopes to numb myself of the misery I feel inside. Recently I had caught this horrid infection that has been around since the beginning of time - feelings. The fatal kind, unrequited feelings. 

It pains me to admit that I wear my heart on my sleeves and that this wouldn't be the first time, yet I fall over and over and over again. Mentally something clicked or should I say snapped? I'd had enough. I am so tired of being the one who was left feeling void, broken and hurt, what I invested is worth more than money, more than silver or gold, I invested my heart and got nothing back. Now it's my turn to have fun, to break a couple of hearts and test out the bad boys, the type of boys your parents always warned you to stay away from. There will be no emotions and no guilt.

However my plan was flawed. I had always been a good girl, driven by emotions, right and wrong were always as clear as black and white, my values and morals refused to be thrown out of the windows over night. They have been cemented deep into my mind.

I found my first candidate, well he found me which was strangely convenient. The arrangement was rather easy and straight forward, there were not as much complexities as there would have been with feeling involved. We merely wanted to know how we could be of use to each other...scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. Talking online was easy, I was in the comfort of my house behind this screen, it was when we met up that I began to think rationally, I didn't want to be there, it was cold and I hadn't eaten anything the whole day but I went ahead. It felt like an out of body experience, it was as if someone else was in control of my limbs and muscles. Without feelings I'm not myself and honestly the whole experience was degrading but I don't regret it, I learned a very valuable lesson.

Moving on...

Every single person will have to learn to move on at some point in their life, whether it be from the first house you had all your first memories in, your first school, your favourite pair of shoes that refuses to be worn any longer, it all requires a process of moving on to allow progression.

Even worse is moving on from a traumatic experience, one that happens and you just know you are never going to be the same afterwards. This could be loosing someone you love, not necessarily to death but just knowing they are no longer yours any more. When the love you provide stops being returned, it leaves you hollow, you are missing your daily dose of love that you so depend upon, you start to withdraw and that's when recovery has to begin. You must remember that you don't always get to gradually reduce the dosage, it just leave you dry. Cold turkey. It's like the ground under your feet has suddenly vanished or the air inside you lungs have just disappeared and moving on would be like attempting to fly or breath in space.

So if it feels like this loosing someone how do some people get over it? Personally I think it requires a mild form of amnesia. However, they must instigate this by wiping away all the physical things that could trigger a memory of this person, store it up if you must but you must get it out of your site. Delete them off social networking sites, do not try to be friends. Not yet. Just do whatever in your power to recover take it a day at a time. Then you begin to forget; first it's the eye colour...was it...blue? Then the hair which might have been brown but what shade? and when you are ready you start to notice other people and how good they make you feel and you know that this time you'll do things differently, you're stronger now.