Fool me once, shame on you

Fool me twice, shame on me...

I think we can all agree that an important element of living is learning from mistakes and experiences. However, this for most people can sometimes prove difficult. Take me for example, to say that I have made a plethora of mistakes would be an understatement and that is how I justify not learning from them which subsequently results in me having to repeat life's torturous lessons. It's a vicious cycle.

I used to be an excellent player in the blame game (heck- I still am). I don't usually brag but you know what they say- "it ain't braggin' if it's true". I say this because I frequently make mistake and frequently, I would have to blame someone else to make myself feel better; blame is one vile thing no one hopes to possess. My victims can range from public transport, to my brother or even the universe. With practice came perfection, perfection to the extent that even I believed my own shit (Excusez mon français). I started to think in a way that led me to believe that nothing was ever my fault and because of this, I felt powerless, I felt like I had no control; I took the back seat in my own life while letting everyone and everything else call shotgun.

As I grew, I realised that mistakes began to cost me more, a lot more. I could pass on the blame, but the pain wouldn't budge.Opening up and letting the wrong people in is one mistake that I incessantly make, I don't know what it is that makes it so easy for others to hurt me and leave me. I certainly don't know what it is that make me care any more or even worse, what makes me continue to care and forgive those who wouldn't do the same for me.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

                        -Mother Teresa

The rebound's rebound

There are two things you should never ever play with: feelings and food.

This week I found myself toying recklessly with both. I had this distorted thought that it might bring me satisfaction to do things out of my nature in hopes to numb myself of the misery I feel inside. Recently I had caught this horrid infection that has been around since the beginning of time - feelings. The fatal kind, unrequited feelings. 

It pains me to admit that I wear my heart on my sleeves and that this wouldn't be the first time, yet I fall over and over and over again. Mentally something clicked or should I say snapped? I'd had enough. I am so tired of being the one who was left feeling void, broken and hurt, what I invested is worth more than money, more than silver or gold, I invested my heart and got nothing back. Now it's my turn to have fun, to break a couple of hearts and test out the bad boys, the type of boys your parents always warned you to stay away from. There will be no emotions and no guilt.

However my plan was flawed. I had always been a good girl, driven by emotions, right and wrong were always as clear as black and white, my values and morals refused to be thrown out of the windows over night. They have been cemented deep into my mind.

I found my first candidate, well he found me which was strangely convenient. The arrangement was rather easy and straight forward, there were not as much complexities as there would have been with feeling involved. We merely wanted to know how we could be of use to each other...scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. Talking online was easy, I was in the comfort of my house behind this screen, it was when we met up that I began to think rationally, I didn't want to be there, it was cold and I hadn't eaten anything the whole day but I went ahead. It felt like an out of body experience, it was as if someone else was in control of my limbs and muscles. Without feelings I'm not myself and honestly the whole experience was degrading but I don't regret it, I learned a very valuable lesson.