The dangers of high expectations...

Today, I turned 18 and now I'm pessimistic about optimism. 

I have been looking forward to this day for a very long time, as soon as I turned 16 to be precise. So naturally I had placed this age, this big one eight as they say on a pedestal. I envisioned it to be epic, I also imagined that I would feel different too; Instead what I actually felt was a big disappointment, I also felt very unfulfilled. As soon as I woke up, I reflected on my 18 years of existence and realised that that's all I really did. I just existed. So far I have failed to actually live and that scared me a bit so I swiftly pushed that thought away and vowed to myself to enjoy the day.

Enjoying the day however, proved to be far more difficult than I had anticipated. 

There was this awkward period where I sat in the canteen alone, which is daunting enough on a normal day but on my birthday it was such a dreadful feeling and to make matters worse, I had a gift bag so people knew it was my birthday. I wanted to shrink into a microscopic size so that I would be invisible to the naked eye but unfortunately turning 18 didn't come with magical powers. To avoid making eye contact with anyone, I did what anyone in my situation would do: pretend to be texting. Luckily a friend of mine turned up and I didn't feel so abandoned.

The misery continued at home, my mother tried so hard to be nice to me but she just couldn't help herself, it was so apparent  how difficult it was for her to make this one day out of 365 feel special for me and in the end I think she just gave up trying. 

To be honest today wasn't especially bad, it was just like any other day which would have been fine if this was just any other day. You see to every one else it was but to me, it is my anniversary of life and I had high expectations for it and that was where I went wrong.

Here's to the kids...

who love too much,
yet have no one around to touch.
Who question their existence on a daily bases,
as everyone they meet seem to forget their faces.
Who like to express their emotions poems,
but trust no one enough to read them.
That never accept compliments,
but truly believe the negative comments.

Here's to the kids who are waiting...waiting for when it finally gets better.

it's all about the timing...

At one point or another we've all wished that we had the ability to control time. 

Time is such a vital part of our daily lives, each day we wake at a certain time, eat at a certain time we are just creature that operate by time. However, occasionally time can become the enemy when you miss your bus or train even though you were just inches away. Now we can simply blame the passive, cold hearted, unsympathetic driver or we can blame time, but never ourselves. We blame the two things we have no influence over but it's in our nature to place blame; where else would we put the vile thing?

Today was one of those days I found my self willing time to just be merciful and give me a second chance and I promised to do better but obviously I'm writing this blog now so it didn't work...[insert sad face]. After class today I decided to go to the restroom which is extremely rare as I usually wait to get home or go during lesson rather than use my free time but I decided not to wait. On my way to the bus stop I see Jack (let's just call him Jack) over the past few weeks most of my efforts have gone into forgetting about Jack, I thought he left without telling me but there he was...long story short my efforts were futile, I might as well have tried to learn Mandarin instead. I stopped dead in my tracks; stupefied, my initial plan was to literally run and hide, as I started to put this plan into action, I came to my senses and decided to be rational...in other word I decided to not be such a pussy and carry on as usual. My mind was going crazy and that was the point he suddenly turned around, caught my eye for a fraction of a second before our contact was severed by an inconsiderate body but Jack was still there and I sincerely hope he didn't notice that my pace slightly quickened as I eagerly made my way towards him and the joy in my eyes when I found out that it wasn't my imagination playing cruel tricks on me.
 Prior to this moment I had fully accepted the possibility that I would never see him again but there he was, coincidence? I think not. But worse of all I didn't make the most of the opportunity I was given we just stood there and made small talk, cracked a few jokes then went our separate ways.

He's too...nice. (The "Bad Boy" syndrome)

And the award for the best side smirk in the year infinity goes to Ian Somerhalder

As much as you ladies would like to deny it, you like a "bad boy".

 It's factual. You like a challenge, a bit of a project to work on, you want to spend your time taming this wild beast so you can finally bring him home to Mummy and Daddy. What you don't realise is you are not an expert animal trainer and you will get scarred in the process, your thirst for a bad boy that will only be good for you can lead to tears when you discover that you can not change a guy. Don't get me wrong a guy can change for you but 99.9% of the time, he came to this realisation by himself, something has finally clicked into place for him and what you already knew, he's only just realising.

Now it is perfectly okay to want this tough, strong, borderline dangerous bad boy who for some reason has a weakness for you however, what make the nice, sweet, admirable good guy so undesirable? I mean in movies we're all for the good guy who pays the girl a lot of attention, remembers her birthday and buys her things to win the girl, he deserves her but when the "player" who's been flirting with every girl within a 5 mile radius all of a sudden pays her the slightest attention and rewards her with that sexy side smirk we all sway like daffodils in the wind - the only difference is the movie needs a satisfying ending so they can make good in the box office, so they allow you to assume that they lived happily ever after only arguing about who loves who more.

 Unfortunately folks, this isn't the way life works, in the real world the "player" will most probably cheat when he realises that he's still got his whole life ahead of him and all you want to do is change him, the good guy would turn cold on you when you come running back to where you placed him in the friend zone, he is now either going to be a prick or find some other girl who's been hurt before and welcomes his sweet kind heart.

(movies and series that predispose you to the "bad boy" syndrome: The Vampire Diaries, The Breakfast Club, 10 Things I hate About You, 90210, Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights)

Ps. I'd still recommend those because they're great!

Texting...don't get me started.

Anyone else ever experience that feeling of crippling anxiety after they press that 'send' button? okay perhaps not when you're texting your mum or best friend of 6 years but when you're texting that person that makes your heart beat faster, it's a different ball game.

 The moment between the releasing and the receiving of a new message if it ever comes, can be a time of uncertainty in an individual's life. There are a few things that causes someone to want to retrieve the irretrievable, for example, you're brave enough to make the first move and text the person first "hey x" and then you wait....wait...and wait some more at that moment you are filled with regret but you don't need to, there's always an explanation for these things; he/she could have gotten so exited at the sight of your text that they fainted...what? it's possible. You question whether you should have added the "x", was it too much? or maybe saying "hi" would have made you worthy of a reply.

Let's say you made it past the first round and it's getting a bit on the flirty side, he's talking about how good you looked in that dress and how it'll look better on the floor of his bed room or she's talking about how toned your biceps are how she'll like to feel it. You're trying to be sexy too but you're not too sure on how far you should go because everyone has very different ideas of what is sexy. While some people may believe that humour is very sexy, some might see it as a cock block, some might prefer a more subtle approach while others are blunt as a butter knife. Either ways you'll never be able to see their immediate reaction and that's what makes texting so daunting.

Personally I hate texting and I avoid it like the plague, I would much rather talk on the phone but in this day and age texting is a necessity, everybody does it and you just have to get with it, the point of this blog is that everyone remotely human feels this way so don't beat your self up, don't over think and have fun with it; who cares if you get no reply of if they reply ridiculously late, those people are simply giving you an easy way out of a mundane and draining conversation.