Be my valentine...

Please? No? Oh okay.

I'm not here to bitch about valentine's day, my bitterness toward the tedious tradition has more or less vanished. Now I'm just curious and mature enough to admit that the bitterness stems from my jealousy of those who are lucky enough to have that significant other to make them feel special even if it is just for a day. Ever notice that is the one argument people use to criticise valentine's day - "why is there only one day dedicated to making your partner feel special? blahh blahh blahhhh". What's really wrong with that? If there can be a day dedicated to pancakes, why is the thought of a day dedicated to recognising and celebrating the love shared between two people so unbearable to some?
Now I've never had a valentine...ever (giving you a moment to all take that in and pick your jaws up from the floor after that shocking reveal ) I've just never been lucky enough to stay in a relationship long enough for valentine's day to come around. That, however doesn't mean that I lose hope and shrivel into a little, black ball of misery, I still get to enjoy the great sales on chocolates in stores, what more can I ask for? (A valentine)

Fool me once, shame on you

Fool me twice, shame on me...

I think we can all agree that an important element of living is learning from mistakes and experiences. However, this for most people can sometimes prove difficult. Take me for example, to say that I have made a plethora of mistakes would be an understatement and that is how I justify not learning from them which subsequently results in me having to repeat life's torturous lessons. It's a vicious cycle.

I used to be an excellent player in the blame game (heck- I still am). I don't usually brag but you know what they say- "it ain't braggin' if it's true". I say this because I frequently make mistake and frequently, I would have to blame someone else to make myself feel better; blame is one vile thing no one hopes to possess. My victims can range from public transport, to my brother or even the universe. With practice came perfection, perfection to the extent that even I believed my own shit (Excusez mon français). I started to think in a way that led me to believe that nothing was ever my fault and because of this, I felt powerless, I felt like I had no control; I took the back seat in my own life while letting everyone and everything else call shotgun.

As I grew, I realised that mistakes began to cost me more, a lot more. I could pass on the blame, but the pain wouldn't budge.Opening up and letting the wrong people in is one mistake that I incessantly make, I don't know what it is that makes it so easy for others to hurt me and leave me. I certainly don't know what it is that make me care any more or even worse, what makes me continue to care and forgive those who wouldn't do the same for me.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

                        -Mother Teresa

The dangers of high expectations...

Today, I turned 18 and now I'm pessimistic about optimism. 

I have been looking forward to this day for a very long time, as soon as I turned 16 to be precise. So naturally I had placed this age, this big one eight as they say on a pedestal. I envisioned it to be epic, I also imagined that I would feel different too; Instead what I actually felt was a big disappointment, I also felt very unfulfilled. As soon as I woke up, I reflected on my 18 years of existence and realised that that's all I really did. I just existed. So far I have failed to actually live and that scared me a bit so I swiftly pushed that thought away and vowed to myself to enjoy the day.

Enjoying the day however, proved to be far more difficult than I had anticipated. 

There was this awkward period where I sat in the canteen alone, which is daunting enough on a normal day but on my birthday it was such a dreadful feeling and to make matters worse, I had a gift bag so people knew it was my birthday. I wanted to shrink into a microscopic size so that I would be invisible to the naked eye but unfortunately turning 18 didn't come with magical powers. To avoid making eye contact with anyone, I did what anyone in my situation would do: pretend to be texting. Luckily a friend of mine turned up and I didn't feel so abandoned.

The misery continued at home, my mother tried so hard to be nice to me but she just couldn't help herself, it was so apparent  how difficult it was for her to make this one day out of 365 feel special for me and in the end I think she just gave up trying. 

To be honest today wasn't especially bad, it was just like any other day which would have been fine if this was just any other day. You see to every one else it was but to me, it is my anniversary of life and I had high expectations for it and that was where I went wrong.

Why universe? Whyyyy?!

Are you working in my favour or conspiring against me?

Let me just start off by saying that I no longer believe in coincidence. Too much has happened to assure me that it doesn't exist. Now as a Christian, I know that I am supposed to believe that everything happens for a reason but this never stopped me from thinking about how some things are just simply insignificant. Life's little details that we never acknowledge or pay attention to like when sneezing or coughing or adjust myself in my seat, we never think about how that could change the course of their lives.

Just yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine, saying I am not attracted to anyone and that I am okay with that, I'm in a good place. someone up there must have said "yeah...we'll see about that" because it just so happens that the next day I see the guy that I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to forget at my bus stop. Okay let's think about this for a moment; he doesn't live anywhere near me, I haven't seen him in months and he just appears at my bus stop?

I looked hideous! okay slight exaggeration, I could have looked better (especially since he just had a fresh hair cut, he was looking rather handsome). Moments before I chose to stand behind the bus stop with my hood up, looking rather moody and confused. I wanted to know why this guy was walking towards me as he was the last person I expected to see.

What I find amusing is how the universe composed itself for us to cross paths and then we just had the most mediocre conversation ever.

What does it mean to be a woman?

I feel like females nowadays have lost the power that comes with being a woman. We've become so lost in societies ideals of being "that woman" that we end up losing what makes us confident in being our own woman.

We seem to have forgotten that it isn't all about our sex appeal, but about the confidence we have in ourselves, the drive we possess and that fiery passion only a woman can show. Forget thinking like a man, think like yourself because that's the only way you can truly be you, the only way you will ever make it through.
I agree with Margaret Atwood who says that "men and women are different but equal" because no one will be better at being a woman than a woman and like wise for men. I believe that men hold this obvious authority physically, sometimes undeniable but with a woman it radiates from her core, we don't have to shout from roof tops or come up with sayings like "grow some balls"; when a woman can go through labour and bear another human being after going through an unimaginable amounts of pain - that's power. when a woman can go through numerous amounts of heartbreak, crying herself to sleep every night and is able to rise up each morning - that's power. Or even when a woman is raped and is still able to see the good in man - that's power.
What we must do is forget the images in magazines or on billboards, forget all the stereotypes and discard what the media says and just embrace your God given femininity, embrace every curve on you body, cherish the skin you were born in and see your beauty because believe me it's there, both inside and outside. Find your strength wherever it may be and be the woman you were born to be.

If I had one wish...

My little brother often asks me "if you had one wish, what would it be?"

Usually I'd blow his pestering questions off, as he is at the stage where they fire approximately 10 questions at per minute (this is not an entirely accurate statistic). But this time I actually thought about it. I have no doubt that a simple answer such as flying, super strength, money would have sufficed. I answered that I would wish to be fearless, to which my brother  replied "err I think I'll just wish for an unlimited amount of money" I was slightly disappointed by the lack of thought he put into his own question not to mention how shallow of a wish it is.
But just imagine the possibilities of having no fear and I'm not an idiot, I do recognise that fear is needed for survival. But how about the fear of trivial, non-life-threatening things like wearing whatever the hell you want and voicing your opinion as you please? Like why can I not just start singing when I have this song I heard on the radio this morning stuck in my head? Because I'm scared, just absolutely petrified of people, the same species as I am but nonetheless terrifying. And it's just strange to think that it would be considered a superpower to be fearless but those who are, in my eyes are both invincible and extinct.

As if I wasn't damaged enough

If bad was what I felt, congratulations!
I now feel worse.
If bruised was what I was, congratulations!
Now I'm bleeding.
If scared was what I was, congratulations!
I am now petrified.
If ever I felt unwanted, congratulations!
Because now I know that I am.