My Internal Breathlessness

I choke.
Internally I mean but nonetheless I choke.
Why can't I breath?
I ask those with their hand around my throat,
And yet they choke me.
I want to leave but strong is the hold of the hand that chokes me.
Sometimes I come out for air,
But that leaves me with nothing but fear,
I scamper back to the hand for it to hold me.
The hold is a choke but a choke is a hold and hold is all I really need.

NUDES!

Sooo...I just want to start by apologising because this is not...technically about nudes.

Okay for those who are still here, firstly thank you, you make the world a better place.

This is more of a metaphorical nude, this is me being naked, butt naked. Honesty is what you will be receiving...see that? I'm stalling, that's what I do. I NEVER WANT TO TALK ABOUT FEELINGS. So I dance around it, I make jokes about myself, about others; I will do almost anything to not have to be weak and vulnerable around other people.

Like this can only be written, these words can not escape my lips, they quiver at the thought of it. My heart palpitates at the mere idea of bearing myself but no one knows this, you know why? because I have amazing people skills. I know how people think, feel I guess you could say that my empathy skills are on FLEEK (I sincerely apologise for using that word, like I said I am very uncomfortable right now so it is imperative that I make jokes).

Anyway! I guess what I do very well is listen to other people, it's funny because once you show a bit of genuine interest at someone else's story they get very excited, you see in their eyes because nowadays no one wants to listen to other people, everyone just wants to talk! And when they find someone who will listen, well they just might go on forever. I'm just that one weirdo who loves to listen because it means I don't have to talk about anything serious about myself. Because everyone is the main character of their own story and that's what a lot of people fail to acknowledge. Your problems are bigger than everyone else's problems because they are the only problems you know about and as far as you know, you are the only one who knows the feeling of this problem.

I spend a lot of time (probably a bit over what the average, healthy individual should, by a bit, I mean a lot) thinking about other people's stories, why they do what they do, what events in their lives caused them to make each decision they make and this makes people think that I am very emotionally open because I understand them. So if you think about it, people never take a step out of themselves, they always think of me, everything else and everyone else in relation to themselves so at the end of the day they still know nothing about me. 

So I guess I never share my problems because people don't care and why should they? They've got their own plot twists to attend to.

My type of love

Call me naive, I  know you will but I'll say it anyway.

 I believe in love. Yes, the kind in the movies and even more than that. I believe in an extravagant, flamboyant, infinite, be-spelling type of love. Don't get me wrong, it will at times bring you pain but you'll welcome it if it means you get to experience the rest. I think a lot of people miss out on this experience because they fail the simple yet challenging task of waiting. You settle because now, we are told that there is no such thing as "The Perfect Guy", you are being too picky, "Mr Right" is never coming along. So, naturally you go with the next Mike, Jake or Brian that comes your way and see that he's not so bad and simply roll with it. But why???
Sure we get lonely or sad watching our friends find their partners, we see couples littered everywhere on social networks and in schools and ever so often a holiday comes around that robs it in your face that you're still as single as single gets. The easy option is to settle, the better option is to keep going and never reduce your standards.
Don't get me wrong we all have different definitions of love, to you love might be someone who gets you chocolate bar daily without fail. My point is that whatever your standard is, stick to it. This is bound to reduce tears and heartbreak by approximately 98.7%  (roughly- not a mathematician).

 I have always loved these two quotes:

-Abi

The endless stream of Saturdays begin

Finishing college means that the concept of weekends and weekdays become blurred and fluid. I can basically do what I want when I want...with the permission of my mother of course. But really I can wake up at 5 pm and sleep at 5 am. I can take ridiculously long naps that further diminishes my sleeping pattern and it wouldn't matter. I have no responsibilities, no dead line, no exams. The next three months of holiday, I am probably going to forget what day it is, what time it is and maybe even what month (it actually happened last year).
My fear is that this long break is not like last years. I actually don't remember much from last year...and no not because it was just that good. It's more like I did nothing significant. Sure I made plans but seldom followed them through. Soon enough I just gave up and found comfort in my room on my laptop or in a book. The ice cream van would come and go, I'd read tweets, look at pictures, watch videos of people having a blast and sadly I was content with that.
I am determine to make a change this year. The change is already happening first of all because I want a change, I'm bored of being tired and tired of being bored. I've made a basic list of things that will happen this summer. I will go to Brighton, I will hang out with some old friend, I will make new friends, I will exercise and I will ride my penny board. Most importantly I will say yes when I am asked to go somewhere. No excuses.
I have worked very hard, I think the hardest I have ever worked in my life on my studies this year and I really need to let loose. Enjoy myself before I get sucked into education again. I want to have something to talk about when someone asks me about my summer, this summer I refuse to say "nothing really, how about you".
what are you going to say when someone asks you? let me know, I'd love to hear it.

- A

Hardest thing about being a Christian...

It's probably not what you're expecting;

But one of the most difficult things that I've had to come to terms with as a Christian is the overwhelming love that God has for me. I don't know how many people will be able to relate with this issue because I now realise that this love was hard for me to accept for two reasons, the main one being my insecurities.

 The thought of someone loving me so much that they sent their only son to die for me was irrational. Who loves me so much that they always forgive me no matter how bad I mess up, who loves me so much that He gives me the grace to wake up each and everyday, who lets me live a life out of poverty and pain.

But soon this love became undeniable as He, the Most High continued to prove his love towards me, how flattering is that? to have God, the King of kings trying to prove something to me? I'd be a fool if I still don't realise by now, but thank God because I do and because of that my soul is saved.

-And there will come a time when love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears.

Amen.

Love Always
-A

Pros and cons of being strong and independent...

You're probably thinking cons? Err nahh-uhhh honey it's just me, all day, by my self etc. (Kevin Hart reference)
Anyway, I'm going to start with the pros because there actually is not much. Firstly you get used to getting things done without the help of others which is a very helpful skill to have because we've all been disappointed and let's face it we've all done some disappointing ourselves.
Secondly you feel more fulfilled by that feeling of having done something single-handedly giving you full bragging right as the credit is undiluted and solely is yours alone.
The third one I can think of is that you don't have that moment of vulnerability when you have to ask someone whether or not they are willing to help you because everyone hates that moment of anticipation where they are left wondering what options they have left when they receive that degrading no. Guys probably get it more than girls because us girls know how to get what we want.
But with ever pro comes a con.
A lot of the time when people develop this independent mentality, they begin to forget those around them. We start to think "well I did it all by myself so I suggest you learn to do the same" but you just don't realise that you were fortunate enough to be capable of completing something alone. Make no mistake, there will be that one task where you will absolutely have no choice but to ask for help, well either that or just abandon the task and I know some people are stubborn enough to chose the latter option; you will need people, that is a fact and it might just be someone you had a choice to help on your way up.
You also need to do all you can to prevent your bragging right from distorting into arrogance. It discredits your work because you already think you did something amazing when I can assure you there is someone who can and has done better. No one likes a show-off.
There's nothing wrong with being humble and don't fake it either, don't be that beautiful girl calling her self ugly - WTF is everyone else then?
Thirdly you need to remember that you don't necessarily have to work like a machine, but you absolutely have to work smart. So why not share you work load? Remember time is money and money makes the world go round.

Love always.
-A

Maybe I fell out of love with love stories...

So aren't you suppose to look at me like I'm the only girl in the world?
I'm pretty sure you're meant to be able to spot me in a crowded place
Do whatever you can, however crazy to make sure I'm yours
Abandon sleep to talk to me at night
Tell me sweet things just too see me smile
Buy me gifts for no reason at all
Think of me, dream of me and tell me all about it
You're meant to crave my touch and the taste of my lips
As you hold me so tight that I could barely breath
Just to feel the pounding of my heart from deep within
or is this just what we are told and shown until we're grown?

Be my valentine...

Please? No? Oh okay.

I'm not here to bitch about valentine's day, my bitterness toward the tedious tradition has more or less vanished. Now I'm just curious and mature enough to admit that the bitterness stems from my jealousy of those who are lucky enough to have that significant other to make them feel special even if it is just for a day. Ever notice that is the one argument people use to criticise valentine's day - "why is there only one day dedicated to making your partner feel special? blahh blahh blahhhh". What's really wrong with that? If there can be a day dedicated to pancakes, why is the thought of a day dedicated to recognising and celebrating the love shared between two people so unbearable to some?
Now I've never had a valentine...ever (giving you a moment to all take that in and pick your jaws up from the floor after that shocking reveal ) I've just never been lucky enough to stay in a relationship long enough for valentine's day to come around. That, however doesn't mean that I lose hope and shrivel into a little, black ball of misery, I still get to enjoy the great sales on chocolates in stores, what more can I ask for? (A valentine)

Fool me once, shame on you

Fool me twice, shame on me...

I think we can all agree that an important element of living is learning from mistakes and experiences. However, this for most people can sometimes prove difficult. Take me for example, to say that I have made a plethora of mistakes would be an understatement and that is how I justify not learning from them which subsequently results in me having to repeat life's torturous lessons. It's a vicious cycle.

I used to be an excellent player in the blame game (heck- I still am). I don't usually brag but you know what they say- "it ain't braggin' if it's true". I say this because I frequently make mistake and frequently, I would have to blame someone else to make myself feel better; blame is one vile thing no one hopes to possess. My victims can range from public transport, to my brother or even the universe. With practice came perfection, perfection to the extent that even I believed my own shit (Excusez mon français). I started to think in a way that led me to believe that nothing was ever my fault and because of this, I felt powerless, I felt like I had no control; I took the back seat in my own life while letting everyone and everything else call shotgun.

As I grew, I realised that mistakes began to cost me more, a lot more. I could pass on the blame, but the pain wouldn't budge.Opening up and letting the wrong people in is one mistake that I incessantly make, I don't know what it is that makes it so easy for others to hurt me and leave me. I certainly don't know what it is that make me care any more or even worse, what makes me continue to care and forgive those who wouldn't do the same for me.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

                        -Mother Teresa

The dangers of high expectations...

Today, I turned 18 and now I'm pessimistic about optimism. 

I have been looking forward to this day for a very long time, as soon as I turned 16 to be precise. So naturally I had placed this age, this big one eight as they say on a pedestal. I envisioned it to be epic, I also imagined that I would feel different too; Instead what I actually felt was a big disappointment, I also felt very unfulfilled. As soon as I woke up, I reflected on my 18 years of existence and realised that that's all I really did. I just existed. So far I have failed to actually live and that scared me a bit so I swiftly pushed that thought away and vowed to myself to enjoy the day.

Enjoying the day however, proved to be far more difficult than I had anticipated. 

There was this awkward period where I sat in the canteen alone, which is daunting enough on a normal day but on my birthday it was such a dreadful feeling and to make matters worse, I had a gift bag so people knew it was my birthday. I wanted to shrink into a microscopic size so that I would be invisible to the naked eye but unfortunately turning 18 didn't come with magical powers. To avoid making eye contact with anyone, I did what anyone in my situation would do: pretend to be texting. Luckily a friend of mine turned up and I didn't feel so abandoned.

The misery continued at home, my mother tried so hard to be nice to me but she just couldn't help herself, it was so apparent  how difficult it was for her to make this one day out of 365 feel special for me and in the end I think she just gave up trying. 

To be honest today wasn't especially bad, it was just like any other day which would have been fine if this was just any other day. You see to every one else it was but to me, it is my anniversary of life and I had high expectations for it and that was where I went wrong.

Why universe? Whyyyy?!

Are you working in my favour or conspiring against me?

Let me just start off by saying that I no longer believe in coincidence. Too much has happened to assure me that it doesn't exist. Now as a Christian, I know that I am supposed to believe that everything happens for a reason but this never stopped me from thinking about how some things are just simply insignificant. Life's little details that we never acknowledge or pay attention to like when sneezing or coughing or adjust myself in my seat, we never think about how that could change the course of their lives.

Just yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine, saying I am not attracted to anyone and that I am okay with that, I'm in a good place. someone up there must have said "yeah...we'll see about that" because it just so happens that the next day I see the guy that I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to forget at my bus stop. Okay let's think about this for a moment; he doesn't live anywhere near me, I haven't seen him in months and he just appears at my bus stop?

I looked hideous! okay slight exaggeration, I could have looked better (especially since he just had a fresh hair cut, he was looking rather handsome). Moments before I chose to stand behind the bus stop with my hood up, looking rather moody and confused. I wanted to know why this guy was walking towards me as he was the last person I expected to see.

What I find amusing is how the universe composed itself for us to cross paths and then we just had the most mediocre conversation ever.

What does it mean to be a woman?

I feel like females nowadays have lost the power that comes with being a woman. We've become so lost in societies ideals of being "that woman" that we end up losing what makes us confident in being our own woman.

We seem to have forgotten that it isn't all about our sex appeal, but about the confidence we have in ourselves, the drive we possess and that fiery passion only a woman can show. Forget thinking like a man, think like yourself because that's the only way you can truly be you, the only way you will ever make it through.
I agree with Margaret Atwood who says that "men and women are different but equal" because no one will be better at being a woman than a woman and like wise for men. I believe that men hold this obvious authority physically, sometimes undeniable but with a woman it radiates from her core, we don't have to shout from roof tops or come up with sayings like "grow some balls"; when a woman can go through labour and bear another human being after going through an unimaginable amounts of pain - that's power. when a woman can go through numerous amounts of heartbreak, crying herself to sleep every night and is able to rise up each morning - that's power. Or even when a woman is raped and is still able to see the good in man - that's power.
What we must do is forget the images in magazines or on billboards, forget all the stereotypes and discard what the media says and just embrace your God given femininity, embrace every curve on you body, cherish the skin you were born in and see your beauty because believe me it's there, both inside and outside. Find your strength wherever it may be and be the woman you were born to be.

If I had one wish...

My little brother often asks me "if you had one wish, what would it be?"

Usually I'd blow his pestering questions off, as he is at the stage where they fire approximately 10 questions at per minute (this is not an entirely accurate statistic). But this time I actually thought about it. I have no doubt that a simple answer such as flying, super strength, money would have sufficed. I answered that I would wish to be fearless, to which my brother  replied "err I think I'll just wish for an unlimited amount of money" I was slightly disappointed by the lack of thought he put into his own question not to mention how shallow of a wish it is.
But just imagine the possibilities of having no fear and I'm not an idiot, I do recognise that fear is needed for survival. But how about the fear of trivial, non-life-threatening things like wearing whatever the hell you want and voicing your opinion as you please? Like why can I not just start singing when I have this song I heard on the radio this morning stuck in my head? Because I'm scared, just absolutely petrified of people, the same species as I am but nonetheless terrifying. And it's just strange to think that it would be considered a superpower to be fearless but those who are, in my eyes are both invincible and extinct.

As if I wasn't damaged enough

If bad was what I felt, congratulations!
I now feel worse.
If bruised was what I was, congratulations!
Now I'm bleeding.
If scared was what I was, congratulations!
I am now petrified.
If ever I felt unwanted, congratulations!
Because now I know that I am.

The rebound's rebound

There are two things you should never ever play with: feelings and food.

This week I found myself toying recklessly with both. I had this distorted thought that it might bring me satisfaction to do things out of my nature in hopes to numb myself of the misery I feel inside. Recently I had caught this horrid infection that has been around since the beginning of time - feelings. The fatal kind, unrequited feelings. 

It pains me to admit that I wear my heart on my sleeves and that this wouldn't be the first time, yet I fall over and over and over again. Mentally something clicked or should I say snapped? I'd had enough. I am so tired of being the one who was left feeling void, broken and hurt, what I invested is worth more than money, more than silver or gold, I invested my heart and got nothing back. Now it's my turn to have fun, to break a couple of hearts and test out the bad boys, the type of boys your parents always warned you to stay away from. There will be no emotions and no guilt.

However my plan was flawed. I had always been a good girl, driven by emotions, right and wrong were always as clear as black and white, my values and morals refused to be thrown out of the windows over night. They have been cemented deep into my mind.

I found my first candidate, well he found me which was strangely convenient. The arrangement was rather easy and straight forward, there were not as much complexities as there would have been with feeling involved. We merely wanted to know how we could be of use to each other...scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. Talking online was easy, I was in the comfort of my house behind this screen, it was when we met up that I began to think rationally, I didn't want to be there, it was cold and I hadn't eaten anything the whole day but I went ahead. It felt like an out of body experience, it was as if someone else was in control of my limbs and muscles. Without feelings I'm not myself and honestly the whole experience was degrading but I don't regret it, I learned a very valuable lesson.

Here's to the kids...

who love too much,
yet have no one around to touch.
Who question their existence on a daily bases,
as everyone they meet seem to forget their faces.
Who like to express their emotions poems,
but trust no one enough to read them.
That never accept compliments,
but truly believe the negative comments.

Here's to the kids who are waiting...waiting for when it finally gets better.

This is so beautiful...kinda makes me wish I had a proper dad.

Braiding daughter's hair a labor of love

Malcolm London: "High School Training Ground"

http://www.youtube.com/v/_Il70mlj38o?autohide=1&version=3&showinfo=1&attribution_tag=4jLNTSZwNOIkjlGYXC4d9Q&autohide=1&feature=share&autoplay=1

BEAT THE BAILIFF'S COMMON LAW

http://www.youtube.com/v/usdqo6u2AVg?version=3&autohide=1&showinfo=1&feature=share&autohide=1&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=i-mxoCiW8T5zumBYvNQ4tA

Uncertainty.

They look at you with the kindest eyes
yet behind that lie thousands of lies.
They smile at you as true friends do
but think in their minds if only she knew

 You offer a hug, you offer a shoulder
when they have a problem, you're the best listener
but when it's you're turn
they stand back and watch you burn.

They say to you that they love you
though you doubt it very much you say "I love you too"
Right now, this is how I feel.
So tell me, is our friendship real?