What does it mean to be a woman?

I feel like females nowadays have lost the power that comes with being a woman. We've become so lost in societies ideals of being "that woman" that we end up losing what makes us confident in being our own woman.

We seem to have forgotten that it isn't all about our sex appeal, but about the confidence we have in ourselves, the drive we possess and that fiery passion only a woman can show. Forget thinking like a man, think like yourself because that's the only way you can truly be you, the only way you will ever make it through.
I agree with Margaret Atwood who says that "men and women are different but equal" because no one will be better at being a woman than a woman and like wise for men. I believe that men hold this obvious authority physically, sometimes undeniable but with a woman it radiates from her core, we don't have to shout from roof tops or come up with sayings like "grow some balls"; when a woman can go through labour and bear another human being after going through an unimaginable amounts of pain - that's power. when a woman can go through numerous amounts of heartbreak, crying herself to sleep every night and is able to rise up each morning - that's power. Or even when a woman is raped and is still able to see the good in man - that's power.
What we must do is forget the images in magazines or on billboards, forget all the stereotypes and discard what the media says and just embrace your God given femininity, embrace every curve on you body, cherish the skin you were born in and see your beauty because believe me it's there, both inside and outside. Find your strength wherever it may be and be the woman you were born to be.

If I had one wish...

My little brother often asks me "if you had one wish, what would it be?"

Usually I'd blow his pestering questions off, as he is at the stage where they fire approximately 10 questions at per minute (this is not an entirely accurate statistic). But this time I actually thought about it. I have no doubt that a simple answer such as flying, super strength, money would have sufficed. I answered that I would wish to be fearless, to which my brother  replied "err I think I'll just wish for an unlimited amount of money" I was slightly disappointed by the lack of thought he put into his own question not to mention how shallow of a wish it is.
But just imagine the possibilities of having no fear and I'm not an idiot, I do recognise that fear is needed for survival. But how about the fear of trivial, non-life-threatening things like wearing whatever the hell you want and voicing your opinion as you please? Like why can I not just start singing when I have this song I heard on the radio this morning stuck in my head? Because I'm scared, just absolutely petrified of people, the same species as I am but nonetheless terrifying. And it's just strange to think that it would be considered a superpower to be fearless but those who are, in my eyes are both invincible and extinct.

As if I wasn't damaged enough

If bad was what I felt, congratulations!
I now feel worse.
If bruised was what I was, congratulations!
Now I'm bleeding.
If scared was what I was, congratulations!
I am now petrified.
If ever I felt unwanted, congratulations!
Because now I know that I am.

The rebound's rebound

There are two things you should never ever play with: feelings and food.

This week I found myself toying recklessly with both. I had this distorted thought that it might bring me satisfaction to do things out of my nature in hopes to numb myself of the misery I feel inside. Recently I had caught this horrid infection that has been around since the beginning of time - feelings. The fatal kind, unrequited feelings. 

It pains me to admit that I wear my heart on my sleeves and that this wouldn't be the first time, yet I fall over and over and over again. Mentally something clicked or should I say snapped? I'd had enough. I am so tired of being the one who was left feeling void, broken and hurt, what I invested is worth more than money, more than silver or gold, I invested my heart and got nothing back. Now it's my turn to have fun, to break a couple of hearts and test out the bad boys, the type of boys your parents always warned you to stay away from. There will be no emotions and no guilt.

However my plan was flawed. I had always been a good girl, driven by emotions, right and wrong were always as clear as black and white, my values and morals refused to be thrown out of the windows over night. They have been cemented deep into my mind.

I found my first candidate, well he found me which was strangely convenient. The arrangement was rather easy and straight forward, there were not as much complexities as there would have been with feeling involved. We merely wanted to know how we could be of use to each other...scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. Talking online was easy, I was in the comfort of my house behind this screen, it was when we met up that I began to think rationally, I didn't want to be there, it was cold and I hadn't eaten anything the whole day but I went ahead. It felt like an out of body experience, it was as if someone else was in control of my limbs and muscles. Without feelings I'm not myself and honestly the whole experience was degrading but I don't regret it, I learned a very valuable lesson.

Here's to the kids...

who love too much,
yet have no one around to touch.
Who question their existence on a daily bases,
as everyone they meet seem to forget their faces.
Who like to express their emotions poems,
but trust no one enough to read them.
That never accept compliments,
but truly believe the negative comments.

Here's to the kids who are waiting...waiting for when it finally gets better.

This is so beautiful...kinda makes me wish I had a proper dad.

Braiding daughter's hair a labor of love

Malcolm London: "High School Training Ground"

http://www.youtube.com/v/_Il70mlj38o?autohide=1&version=3&showinfo=1&attribution_tag=4jLNTSZwNOIkjlGYXC4d9Q&autohide=1&feature=share&autoplay=1

BEAT THE BAILIFF'S COMMON LAW

http://www.youtube.com/v/usdqo6u2AVg?version=3&autohide=1&showinfo=1&feature=share&autohide=1&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=i-mxoCiW8T5zumBYvNQ4tA

Uncertainty.

They look at you with the kindest eyes
yet behind that lie thousands of lies.
They smile at you as true friends do
but think in their minds if only she knew

 You offer a hug, you offer a shoulder
when they have a problem, you're the best listener
but when it's you're turn
they stand back and watch you burn.

They say to you that they love you
though you doubt it very much you say "I love you too"
Right now, this is how I feel.
So tell me, is our friendship real?

The other side of London...

Being the spontaneous character that I am, I decided to go to Chelsea to an art fair, the art was beautiful, don't get me wrong but that's not what I'm here to talk about. Some of it was just simply mind-blowing but I noticed something else - I noticed how the other side lives.

So my friend and I got the tube from barking station all the way to Sloane Square and we got to observe the transition of a train filled with diversity and mainly the working class to one filled with suits and white faces. They come in, sit down, cross their legs and pick up their oversized broadsheets making them faceless. If it's not a broadsheet then it's a kindle or some sort of smart phone.
As soon as we were spat out of the train, we joined a tidal wave of bodies moving at approximately 25 miles per hour, we swiftly adjusted our speed to avoid being physically trampled on by leather shoes and Lois Vuitton heels. Alas! We spot a bus stop and go to it for shelter while we patiently wait for a bus that would take us to the town hall where the exhibition is being held. as we waited, we watched Bentleys, Jaguars and Ranges cruise the streets and it was an eye opener indeed.
We were both sociology students so we were naturally very observant and somewhat critical of society by the things we read in text books, listened to on the news, never have I thought it was actually so apparent, the streets were cleaner, they even had different buses from the rest of London, even though we all have to pay the same amount of money, the building were taller and easy on the eyes, shop windows cleaner, I could go on however it wasn't all negative, we over heard school children having intelligent conversations about politics and things that really matter, not Grand Theft Auto and the latest Fifa. Conversely we also witnessed extreme materialism displayed by girls who were barely 10 who claimed she "loved Mac" as she ran towards it and referred to Lush as her "home".
The ideology that every one is equal and that we all have the same opportunities when this really isn't the case, there is this huge gap of wealth in London alone with the extremely rich in the luxurious side and sadly, on the other side of the division is the extremely poor in the dirty, dull environment being unaware of this injustice against them.
We were treated differently too, only two of the artists made an effort to speak to us about their work and inspirations and they were lovely people I could have intelligent conversations with so I can't complain, I actually gained more than I could have hoped for.

This was one of my favourite pieces, it's a photograph of a place in Canada which is now gone. my camera quality does it no justice.

This was painted...yes painted by a man who lived with these wolves! 

Johnny Depp, need  I say more, it's beaut.

An amazing clock/man structure, oh! and it lights up too.

it's all about the timing...

At one point or another we've all wished that we had the ability to control time. 

Time is such a vital part of our daily lives, each day we wake at a certain time, eat at a certain time we are just creature that operate by time. However, occasionally time can become the enemy when you miss your bus or train even though you were just inches away. Now we can simply blame the passive, cold hearted, unsympathetic driver or we can blame time, but never ourselves. We blame the two things we have no influence over but it's in our nature to place blame; where else would we put the vile thing?

Today was one of those days I found my self willing time to just be merciful and give me a second chance and I promised to do better but obviously I'm writing this blog now so it didn't work...[insert sad face]. After class today I decided to go to the restroom which is extremely rare as I usually wait to get home or go during lesson rather than use my free time but I decided not to wait. On my way to the bus stop I see Jack (let's just call him Jack) over the past few weeks most of my efforts have gone into forgetting about Jack, I thought he left without telling me but there he was...long story short my efforts were futile, I might as well have tried to learn Mandarin instead. I stopped dead in my tracks; stupefied, my initial plan was to literally run and hide, as I started to put this plan into action, I came to my senses and decided to be rational...in other word I decided to not be such a pussy and carry on as usual. My mind was going crazy and that was the point he suddenly turned around, caught my eye for a fraction of a second before our contact was severed by an inconsiderate body but Jack was still there and I sincerely hope he didn't notice that my pace slightly quickened as I eagerly made my way towards him and the joy in my eyes when I found out that it wasn't my imagination playing cruel tricks on me.
 Prior to this moment I had fully accepted the possibility that I would never see him again but there he was, coincidence? I think not. But worse of all I didn't make the most of the opportunity I was given we just stood there and made small talk, cracked a few jokes then went our separate ways.

He's too...nice. (The "Bad Boy" syndrome)

And the award for the best side smirk in the year infinity goes to Ian Somerhalder

As much as you ladies would like to deny it, you like a "bad boy".

 It's factual. You like a challenge, a bit of a project to work on, you want to spend your time taming this wild beast so you can finally bring him home to Mummy and Daddy. What you don't realise is you are not an expert animal trainer and you will get scarred in the process, your thirst for a bad boy that will only be good for you can lead to tears when you discover that you can not change a guy. Don't get me wrong a guy can change for you but 99.9% of the time, he came to this realisation by himself, something has finally clicked into place for him and what you already knew, he's only just realising.

Now it is perfectly okay to want this tough, strong, borderline dangerous bad boy who for some reason has a weakness for you however, what make the nice, sweet, admirable good guy so undesirable? I mean in movies we're all for the good guy who pays the girl a lot of attention, remembers her birthday and buys her things to win the girl, he deserves her but when the "player" who's been flirting with every girl within a 5 mile radius all of a sudden pays her the slightest attention and rewards her with that sexy side smirk we all sway like daffodils in the wind - the only difference is the movie needs a satisfying ending so they can make good in the box office, so they allow you to assume that they lived happily ever after only arguing about who loves who more.

 Unfortunately folks, this isn't the way life works, in the real world the "player" will most probably cheat when he realises that he's still got his whole life ahead of him and all you want to do is change him, the good guy would turn cold on you when you come running back to where you placed him in the friend zone, he is now either going to be a prick or find some other girl who's been hurt before and welcomes his sweet kind heart.

(movies and series that predispose you to the "bad boy" syndrome: The Vampire Diaries, The Breakfast Club, 10 Things I hate About You, 90210, Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights)

Ps. I'd still recommend those because they're great!

Moving on...

Every single person will have to learn to move on at some point in their life, whether it be from the first house you had all your first memories in, your first school, your favourite pair of shoes that refuses to be worn any longer, it all requires a process of moving on to allow progression.

Even worse is moving on from a traumatic experience, one that happens and you just know you are never going to be the same afterwards. This could be loosing someone you love, not necessarily to death but just knowing they are no longer yours any more. When the love you provide stops being returned, it leaves you hollow, you are missing your daily dose of love that you so depend upon, you start to withdraw and that's when recovery has to begin. You must remember that you don't always get to gradually reduce the dosage, it just leave you dry. Cold turkey. It's like the ground under your feet has suddenly vanished or the air inside you lungs have just disappeared and moving on would be like attempting to fly or breath in space.

So if it feels like this loosing someone how do some people get over it? Personally I think it requires a mild form of amnesia. However, they must instigate this by wiping away all the physical things that could trigger a memory of this person, store it up if you must but you must get it out of your site. Delete them off social networking sites, do not try to be friends. Not yet. Just do whatever in your power to recover take it a day at a time. Then you begin to forget; first it's the eye colour...was it...blue? Then the hair which might have been brown but what shade? and when you are ready you start to notice other people and how good they make you feel and you know that this time you'll do things differently, you're stronger now.

Texting...don't get me started.

Anyone else ever experience that feeling of crippling anxiety after they press that 'send' button? okay perhaps not when you're texting your mum or best friend of 6 years but when you're texting that person that makes your heart beat faster, it's a different ball game.

 The moment between the releasing and the receiving of a new message if it ever comes, can be a time of uncertainty in an individual's life. There are a few things that causes someone to want to retrieve the irretrievable, for example, you're brave enough to make the first move and text the person first "hey x" and then you wait....wait...and wait some more at that moment you are filled with regret but you don't need to, there's always an explanation for these things; he/she could have gotten so exited at the sight of your text that they fainted...what? it's possible. You question whether you should have added the "x", was it too much? or maybe saying "hi" would have made you worthy of a reply.

Let's say you made it past the first round and it's getting a bit on the flirty side, he's talking about how good you looked in that dress and how it'll look better on the floor of his bed room or she's talking about how toned your biceps are how she'll like to feel it. You're trying to be sexy too but you're not too sure on how far you should go because everyone has very different ideas of what is sexy. While some people may believe that humour is very sexy, some might see it as a cock block, some might prefer a more subtle approach while others are blunt as a butter knife. Either ways you'll never be able to see their immediate reaction and that's what makes texting so daunting.

Personally I hate texting and I avoid it like the plague, I would much rather talk on the phone but in this day and age texting is a necessity, everybody does it and you just have to get with it, the point of this blog is that everyone remotely human feels this way so don't beat your self up, don't over think and have fun with it; who cares if you get no reply of if they reply ridiculously late, those people are simply giving you an easy way out of a mundane and draining conversation.

What could have been...

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."- Marilyn Monroe

I had always looked up to Marilyn, her very essence oozes exuberance, her norm-breaking approach to life was what I found so desirable and it was probably because I lacked that attitude myself.

I'm the type of person that like's to play it safe, safe is good and it get's me by and that's the problem with safe because all it actually does is get me by, I realise that I don't take risks if I can help it, every move I make is calculated (mentally, though physically I'm a total klutz) and I live in utter fear of messing up. I absolutely hate it when things don't go according to plan, it throws me off balance. The worst part is that my life can actually be described as...mediocre.

What I understand now is that I can't expect things to just fall into place, life is designed to keep us proactive, something to mould and take control of. A great example of one of the times that I've expected things to just fall into place is when I met this guy I really liked and he liked me too, we got really close but I had no way of contacting him outside of college, I planned to get his number but I always either get scared or just expect him to ask me first simply because he's the guy, long story short he left and I'll probably never see him again. To be honest this has happened more times than I am proud to say and I am determined for it to be the last time.

Cities I must go before I die...

I was scrolling down Tumblr, for those who don't know what Tumblr is, it's basically like Instagram's sister who suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder; there's a dark side, a funny side, a pretty side, and so on. But mostly it is very "American". I have always been very much in love with everything American, well not the political or medical side of things but everything else seems whimsical: the music; the movies; Disney land and Hollywood are all things I have been exposed to from a very young age - those are things that everyone has been exposed to from a very young age-unless you quite literally live under a rock.

Specifically I am enticed by places like San Francisco renowned for the steep hills, the ever so majestic Golden Gate Bridge, the phenomenal architecture, I could go on but we have to get to other places I fantasise about such as New Orleans. Now this is the home of jazz, the sultry celebration of Mardi Gras, famous for it's cross-cultural and multilingualism, not to mention the food and the vintage ambience. I realise that this might not be of appeal to everyone but if you are like me, as opposed to the modernised culture constantly being chugged down our throats turning us into mindless robots, New Orleans is most definitely somewhere to ensure we visit at a point in our lives. And if it's all just fabricated by the media, at least we'll get to witness it first hand and make our own judgement and used the phrase "I saw it with my own eyes" rather than "yeah I Googled it, weren't that great."